Life has been…..unhealthy.

6 Jun

I didn’t even bother looking at when I last posted because I know it has been a long while. Life in Dallas has been interesting. I never particularly loved the DFW area, and I took a chance moving here, but haven’t been very happy. My depression and anxiety have gone through the roof, and the number of panic attacks I have had has gone up 15x over the previous 3 years. I know some of the cause, but as it is not an easy fix, I am having to learn how to deal with all 3 of those things to keep myself from going off the deep end.

If you know me, you know I don’t like doctors. I don’t like being given medicine to fix myself. I don’t like talking through what’s bugging me. I really don’t like that I can’t fix myself on my own. I have turned to meditating. Which ended up just turning into me hiding in my apartment every weekend to decompress from the world.

Was moving here worth what I am currently battling? In some ways, yes. In a lot more ways, HELL NO.

Do I regret my choice? Almost every day. But it was exactly that: my choice. So I have to deal with the fallout.

The fallout.

I can stay on the road I am currently on, which is being railroaded by incompetence, or I can close my eyes, hold my nose, and take the plunge into my own business. Does that scare me? It scares the hell out of me, but it also excites me! My lease is up at the end of the year, so I have to decide if I stay the course of the unhappiness and being miserable, or if I lean to the right and take a sidestream into the unknown and unsecure.

The pros and cons are something I have been weighing heavily for the last 18 months or so. I have been headhunted by another large company and went through 4 interviews before they ultimately decided to go with a different applicant. Which was fine, as I didn’t apply for the position and didn’t feel like I had failed (though admit, living in Seattle would have been cool). I have applied for a few jobs here and there, but the job market for my skills are very few.  The only pro is that I am also in a volunteer position at work, in addition to my regular position, so I get a bit of a break from the nitty-gritty to do something I love doing. The problem is that it’s only 2-4x a year, so trying to bear with it the rest of the year is what has me feeling like I am walking around with cement blocks around my ankles.

Do I feel like a failure wanting to change my life at 36 (almost 37)? HELL Yes I do. 18yo me made a list of things I was to accomplish in life, and so far I have done exactly ZERO of them. Cool feeling. (ok, that’s a lie. I do have my degree in Anthropology, it just wasn’t by 22, nor a PhD by 26 (what was I thinking??))

Life is short though, so I should do what makes me happy, right? As long as I can keep a roof over my head and my car running, that’s all that matter, right? Right.

Yet, I still feel like I am disappointing everyone in my life. Fortunately, my life choices have made me prepared for feeling like this, as I have never done anything “traditionally”.

So, why this long blog? Honestly, I don’t know. I feel better for the moment, and sometimes that’s all that matters. Mental health and physical health is important.

I’ll try to post more often, and probably should to help with the mental health issues. Besides, it’s not like that many people actually read this lol.

xox

Jess

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